Reflextions on Catalina Channel DNF

It's taking me a long time to start writing, or even think about writing this post. I didn't post all summer while I was training for Catalina Channel, but hopefully this will make up for it.

I'm sitting in my car after a brief swim at Broughton Beach following a mediocre to typical day working as an occupational therapist in home health. As I was swimming into shore just now I realized the things that used to frighten me about open water are now the things that excite me. The weeds at Broughton have grown from a few interspersed plants to a virtual forest of underwater plants. The weeds used to terrify me I joked that they were Ursula's garden because the joking made them less intimidating. I would scream and kick and swim as fast as I could to get away from them or through them. Now, I flip over on my back hold my buoy and lazily kick through them sometimes I even giggle because they tickle a little bit when you go through slowly and they don't wrap around your hands and feet as much if you move with languid grace like a lazy carp. Another thing that used to scare me: fish. I was terrified of fish, it's silly there are no fish in fresh water, at least in Oregon, that can really hurt you. Mostly, seeing an unexpected fish as a beginning open water summer is just a little bit freaky and maybe harkined back to some primitive part of our brain where any movement in the water signal danger. Today I cited not one, not two, not three, but six giant light-bellied carp at Broughton; their sucker mouths probing the bottom and turning up sediment into nimbus clouds behind them. What made me begin thinking about Catalina was those carp. The carp made me think about my fears, both rational and irrational during open water swims that I have come to accept and sometimes have turned into things I enjoy. To be blunt I was scared. 

I was approximately 4 to 5 miles out from Catalina Island when I pulled myself from the swim. I can talk about how the swells were 4 ft high and 5 seconds apart and the wind was moving anywhere from 10 to 14 knots, that the conditions were really too much for me, or how i hadn't peed since I got in and would likely have been pulled at the 4 hour mark anyway, but that would be only part of the story. Somehow simultaneously and overstatement and an understatement. The bottom line is like fish and weeds I was scared, the conditions were more intense than anything I'd ever been in, I'd never been out of sight of land in saltwater, I'd never been swimming at 1:00 a.m., and I sure as 💩 had never had something swim under me that was bigger than anything I could imagine before - but all those things happened. I got in my head; I was scared; I was overwhelmed, and my goggles were too tight. Oh yeah, and I was vomiting 30 minutes into my swim, so there's that. But all those things aside what really happened was that I was in a new environment, I was like a brand new open water swimmer, and I was in conditions that were unfamiliar and therefore frightening, I was ill, I was uncomfortable, and I was stuck in my head; I was all the things that make open water swimming hard and it was too much for me that day.But today swimming through thick weeds chasing carp I realized it's okay to be a beginner again in this crazy sport that takes us to places in the world and places in ourselves that we can't get to another way and forces us to dig deep and recognize that despite our hubris, despite our accomplishments, and despite our training somedays we just have bad days and that's okay.

It really sucks when you have to realize this after a DNF, but that's growth and that's open water swimming and I'm excited for my next attempt at a big swim. I have the lessons from this one, the challenges, and I also have the expectation that I can do better because I have learned. 

I would be amiss if I did not also give a huge thank you to my ginormous crew y'all are amazing and I so wish that we had the experience of crossing that channel together but that was not in the cards. I love all of you and appreciate you so much thank you for being a part of this.